Answers....

Many of you have asked when we will have services for mom. I'm not sure I've reached all of you so I'll post here.

Mom will be cremated in Wasilla Saturday morning. When dad is ready, we will fly to Caldwell and have a Memorial Service. Mom asked to be buried next to her daddy in the Canyon Hill Cemetery.

Dad has mentioned going home in a few weeks and as late as mid summer. I think he needs some time to decide. He might get an itch to golf in a few weeks and be on a plane, in that case we'll see you all soon. But if he is content to stay here, it will probably be May or June before we head down.

Tony, Dad, Sam and the girls are going to the gun show tomorrow. I'm going to have my first day at home alone in over 6 months. My plans are to stay in my jammies all day, have a wonderful cry, crank up some great worship music, praise my Father and let Him comfort me.

That's my plan, we'll see what God has in store.

Beauty in the Midst of Our Cold, Windy, Sad Day

From Edie & Mike

From Aunt BJ & Uncle Ed

From the McDonald Sisters

Dad and I went to the funeral home this morning, it was difficult. We stopped at the grocery store and then headed home. After lunch I decided to take the dog out and throw his ball, something I haven't done in some time.


It is cold, windy and ugly here, that pre-break up weather, just before it gets really muddy and messy. If it weren't for the birds and the mountains, I could skip February & March altogether. I walked around the side of the house and found a pot that I bought a couple years ago for mom, thinking it would be nice above her kitchen sink on the window ledge. I never got around to sending it, but when I saw it today I knew exactly where it belonged.


Before I left Idaho in October I took a start from mom's Aloe Vera plant. It has been sitting on my kitchen counter in a little cup of water, growing sturdy roots, all this time. Every time I watered it I would think, where am I going to put this? Today, I found its home.


While I was planting it, the door bell rang and when I came out of the kitchen there were three lovely gifts on the table. Thank-you McDonald Sisters, Aunt BJ, Uncle Ed, Edie & Mike. ...you certainly did brighten my day. Those of you who have called and emailed, thank-you for sharing in our grief, your words have brought us comfort.


Love,


Pamela, Don & Family

My Thursday

Thank-you everyone for your calls, emails and kind words. They mean so much.



When I woke up Thursday morning I knew we were really on borrowed time. On Monday the hospice nurse had told us probably 48 hrs left and we were past that. I didn't expect to find mom with us, but she was, I was happy to get to kiss her check again. I washed her up and repositioned her. Dad was in and out, the kids and Tony as well. I decided to take a shower and when I came back I knew things had changed. I called dad and Tony and repositioned mom. We were all standing around her bed, I adjusted her fuzzy hat, kissed her and she took her last breath.

It was a slow slide, we weren't taken by surprise, but it is still shocking how quickly it all seems to come to a stop.

I made phone calls, the Hospice nurse came, the funeral director arrived, we said our good-byes, mom is taken, Karen left, we are numb. The phone rings...

In typical Shaffer fashion we work to keep the grief from overwhelming us. The room has been cleaned and things are tidy. There are marks in the carpet where the hospital bed wheels were. The wheel chair has been returned, the sheets washed and put away, the room rearranged to make things more comfortable for dad. The oxygen concentrator is turned off and in the garage awaiting pick up. The silence is deafening.

I'm in the kitchen finishing cooking, I'm thinking...I need to go check on mom. Walking by the doorway I look in and listen, force of habit. For a split second I have forgotten that she is gone. The cat comes into the room, what has changed, where is she. Poor Willy doesn't understand where is Grandma, where is the toast she usually feeds me.

I still have mom's clothes to sort through and medical records to organize. Dad has things he has to do. We have to go to the funeral home tomorrow at 10AM. Dad has to call Social Security, I have to figure out what to make for dinner. All I want to do is crawl into bed and stay there for awhile. But life goes on, Tony has work, the kids need to do their schoolwork....time is cruel, but I know the Lord gave it to us for our benefit. Just today though, I'd like to stop time and indulge my flesh and grieve.

I miss my mom. I loved her so much.

...though there is weeping for a night, joy comes in the morning.....

Waiting for my joy.

She has arrived at her destination

Oregon Coast, Cannon Beach in the distance

Praise the Lord

Praise the Lord

She has arrived!!!

Sitting at the right hand of the Father,

Jesus stood and greeted

Beverly Joyce Brown Darling Shaffer

at 9:41AM on Thursday February 28th

She is yours Father, what a precious child, daughter, sister, friend, wife, and mother she was. Thank-you for the time you gave us together. Thank-you Lord for your everlasting love and faithfulness at all times. Thank-you for your promises that we cling to. We can not understand the plans you have for us, our minds, feeble and weak, do not understand your ways. Thank you for the simple things, our memories, the ties that bind our hearts together and your promise of eternal life through Christ.

To be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord! Thank-you Father!!!

Be our comforter now Lord as we grieve our loss, and celebrate Mom's gain.

All glory be yours Father.

Amen

Slipping gently..... Letting Go

Mom has slipped into a coma. She stopped responding to us yesterday. Her heartbeat is strong, BP is good, but her respirations are low just 4 per minute. The hospice nurse said any time now she could go. It is so very difficult to watch her change and know that there is no turning back time, no fixing it.

I wanted to sing her to glory..stand around her bed and sing but I just can't ...I just cry. I hold her hand and stroke her face. I massage her scalp and put her hat back on. I swab her mouth with olive oil to keep the tissue moist. I resposition her and tell her every time I'm in the room that I love her. I keep talking to her telling her the latest news. And I cry.

There is no way to escape the feeling that I wished I could've done more to help mom. That some how I could fix things. I can't console myself with pat answers of "God must want her more," "She will be happier," "She will be out of pain." Right now, all I want is my mom back. I want to hear her voice and feel her arms around me telling me that everything is going to be okay. I want her to come into the kitchen and stir the pot on the stove. I want her warm hands to warm mine. I want to play backgammon with her and discuss my children's lives. I want to hear stories about her childhood and mine. I want her to say that I did a good job, that she felt my care and knew I did everything I could to make her last days comfortable. I want to know that she felt loved and that she knows she will be missed. I want to hear her say, "I love you," just one more time.

Do you remember this day?

I found this photo in mom's purse

Mom is on the left holding Cyndi,

Beth and Gerry are on either side of Great Grandpa Samuelson

And BJ is on the far right

The date is 1948 so that makes mom 15 yrs old

Hospice Nurse

Ocean in Hawaii

Vicki was here this afternoon. She thought mom would pass in the next 48 hrs. It isn't often that they give time, but she felt that mom's current condition was a good sign that things are progressing rapidly now. I just smile...because I know the One who numbers our days and has mom firmly in His hand. So I'll just trust God to take mom home when He decides.

Vicki asked me, "so how is your mom" my response is, WONDERFUL! She is just hours away from GLORY! Praise God!!! I don't understand the whole "higher power" business. There is only ONE way to Heaven folks. Christ said, I am the way, the truth, the light. He is the DOOR to the way, He is the ONLY hope we have of spending another minute with mom or our loved ones. He that acknowledges me before men, I will acknowledge him before my father. There is no Allah, Mohammad, Buddha, or other god that has risen from the dead, that has the power to save...only Jesus. Soooo if you aren't on board...get there quickly! Okay..mini sermon over...mom always said I preach too much.....guess so.....I won't make any excuse for that.

The days ahead are going to be difficult, there is no way to avoid that. I don't look forward to a single minute without mom's presence here, or dealing with what is to come. BUT I know that He that started this good thing in me is perfecting me even now through the work He has put in my path. I accept the work, am willing to do it with all my strength and the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. I'll let Him worry about the details of my life.

There is no better place to be, than doing the perfect will of God. No greater peace than that given by Him.

Thanks for the call Aunt Ruby dad sure enjoys hearing from you. And Aunt JoAnn, it is always nice to hear your voice and know your thoughts are in our direction.

Oxygen Concentrator Alarms are LOUD at 6AM

Mom isn't very responsive today. This morning when I came down she wasn't drinking but I'm giving her drops with the sponge or the straw. She is swallowing. Her last morphine was at 8:30PM last night. She opened her eyes a little bit but isn't answering questions or nodding. I gave her some morphine before I rolled her per the nurse/doc and she is sleeping soundly now. Her face is peaceful, no stress there. I massaged her feet this morning and changed her socks.

Early this morning the oxygen concentrator alarm went off. The first time it was 6AM, I turned it off and then back on and all seemed fine. Then the second time it was about 7AM and I turned it off and then hooked up a regular tank. I called the oxygen tech at 9AM, he came and hooked up a new one and gave us a new portable tank.

Sam, Poppa & Tony went to the shooting range this afternoon. It was packed so they shot a little bit of skeet instead. Sam hit his first clay pigeon today, he was excited to share that news when he got home. After a bit of skeet they took a drive, one of dad's favorite things to do. Being the wonderful husband Tony is, he brought pizza home. Love this man!!

The girls left at 7AM this morning to give snowboarding another whirl, except this time on the big hill at Alyeska. Sarah just called to report no injuries, Praise God!! They were heading to Anchorage and then out to dinner before coming home. Sounds like it was a great time.

I'm off to serve pizza.

Come unto me, all you that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matt 11:28

Found the Moose photo & Redpolls

This mama and baby shot is the one that had me across the room. They were just a little too close for my taste! The kids loved it.

Emily Joy feeding the Redpolls, I like the one perched on her head


Emily & Samuel were so amazed that the birds would take seeds from their hands.

The Redpolls are back. While eating breakfast I watched the flock swarm the yard and bird feeder. They are such busy little birds. After Aunt Dot called this morning and said she was hand feeding a squirrel out her back door, I remembered the kids feeding the birds a few years ago, so thought I'd post these pics.


Mom is resting peacefully. Her respirations are lower now. She still raises her eyebrows and smiles at me and is always ready for a kiss. She enjoyed her foot massage this morning, a very gentle one with lots of lotion.


This morning mom had sunshine on her face and seemed to be enjoying it. Her room gets early morning sun and good afternoon light. The sky is crystal clear. I'm not hearing any drips, the temperature must have dropped again. The joys of break up...




Gently and tenderly Jesus is calling.....Come Home

Poppa in new territory

Dad called Tamie & Kevan last night to chat a bit. He got granddaughter Maggie's blog address so he could follow her progress playing professional basketball in Denmark. Dad sat down this morning and read all the pages of the blog, I showed him how to comment, so now Maggie can count on Grandpa checking in now and then.

Pat & Don (mom and dad's dear friends) called this afternoon and that left dad chipper. He enjoyed that chat very much! Thanks!

Mom is more awake today than she has been. We had a nice visit this morning before the first morphine was on board. I love it when she says my name and tells me she loves me. I think the oxygen is helping her feel a little more clear minded, although temporary.

Dad went outside and whacked the dickens out of the wood. He has 7 rounds left and figures he needs a chain saw for these last few. He expected last weeks wind to blow down a new tree so he'd have a new pile to work on. So far no new trees down, but there are a few leaning so there is still hope.

May we fix our eyes on the eternal Joy purchased for us on the cross of Jesus. No matter what difficulty today or tomorrow may bring, it is overshadowed by what awaits us in the redeemed heavens and earth.“The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that will be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18).

Good Night Dear Ones

Oxygen

The oxygen concentrator is going. The comfort care package was Fed Ex'd yesterday and we received it this afternoon. Changing pain meds to something more concentrated so mom doesn't have to swallow large doses.

The Hospice nurse came today.

I'm tired, having people in and out of the house every day is exhausting. I don't expect anyone for the weekend. Maybe I'll try to take a nap on Saturday.

Sam and Tony are testing for their purple belts in karate tonight. Sarah is at Community Choir practice. Emily Joy decided to stay home and bake cookies for Poppa.

I think I'd like to make a quilt out of mom's cotton robes & shirts. She has some pretty wild patterns that will make for a bright quilt. I was thinking about some of her clothes tonight while doing laundry and I thought it would be nice to have a cozy quilt to cuddle with. I was thinking dad might like one to snuggle under while he watches golf in his recliner.

I'm not a quilter, in fact have only done ONE huge project which sits unfinished. It is a grandmother's garden pattern that I started about 6 yrs ago while I waited for the kids to finish their choir practice. It is all hand pieced, hexagons sewn into a flower pattern. I'll post a photo. It should be hand quilted but I haven't been successful the few times I tried. I can't machine quilt it as it has to follow the pattern of each hexagon...ideally that is. We'll see. I thought I'd make the first quilt for my eldest and then work my way down, figuring I'd have more time for each one...but didn't figure it would take THIS long. I really should have done a wall hanging or smaller project for my first quilt.

The laundry calls. Night all.

No town today

I stayed home today to be with mom. Tony and Sarah did the Anchorage run.

The Hospice director Dr. Robert Neubaur called this afternoon and asked if he could come by for a visit. I said yes, of course then dashed off to make sure the house wasn't a wreck. He didn't tell me anything we didn't already know and he said we were doing everything right. I couldn't think of any questions to ask, I think I'm pretty full of info for now, or just too tired to think. He did say we should continue with the lactulose as she could tolerate to help bind and remove the ammonia in her system. It might help her communicate more clearly. Bob talked to dad a bit and was quite gentle with mom. He said mom's pulse was 88, reps 10, and her lungs clear.

Vicki our Hospice nurse comes tomorrow. I need to give mom a bath and get her ready for bed. She seems to be awake more in the evening so I will do it then.

I called funeral homes today for dad. I never in a million years thought I'd be doing this. I don't know why? Like none of my family members were going to age and die? Not sure what I was thinking...maybe that we'd all be raptured together so we wouldn't have to grieve the loss of one another. That sounds good!

I woke up singing this today...

DC Talk's

He Knows My Name

I have a maker

He formed my heart

Before even time began

My life was in his hands

He knows my name

He knows my every thought

He sees each tear that falls

And hears me when I call

I have a father

He calls me his own

He'll never leave me

No matter where I go

He knows my name

He knows my every thought

He sees each tear that falls

And hears me when I call

And He knows YOUR name

He knows your every thought

He sees all those tears that fall

And he'll hear you when you call

Good stuff and so true. I love Jesus and the tender way he loves me back. When Tony and Sarah got home this afternoon I was feeling kind of anxious. Tony hugged me and I laid my head on his chest. His arms around me give me such a sense of peace and safety. I imagine when I see Jesus that his arms around me will feel something like that, comforting and peaceful, like there is no better place to be. Looking forward to it, hope it is soon!

Hospice

Hospice came this morning. The social worker who does intake, Ellie, the RN, Vicki and the Chaplin, Ruthann. It was a full morning. Mom woke up and greeted the new folks and smiled. When Vicki left she even said she was glad to have met her. It took her a bit to get that whole sentence out but she was very sweet and smiled. I think we'll like this new gal.

Vicki did say it could be any day now, but since everyone's experience is different she couldn't be sure. She did say we were doing a very good job, which is reassuring. She'll be back on Thursday.

It is awkward being so personal with strangers. Such a difficult time, and to open up emotionally is tough, although I'm such a faucet it really isn't hard for me. I just get tired of crying, so by the time I've heard, "so how are you doing?" it almost feels patronizing. I KNOW they don't mean it that way, but come on, what do they think. They talked to dad a bit and asked me how he was doing as well.

Vicki was saying as things progress we will probably not be getting as much sleep as we are now, so to be sure we rest when we are able. I guess I'm still holding out for the falling asleep crossover for mom. I don't anticipate an epiphany during her last moments. I'll be thrilled if she does have a moment of clarity, but I'm not holding out for it. I feel very peaceful about what is next, that doesn't mean my heart isn't aching, but I'm not afraid and think if I were not in the room, it would be okay. I'm not opposed to being in the room, but I won't be flogging myself if I miss it.

She was just moaning a bit so I got closer and asked if she needed anything, she was making some noise and she said "I didn't think I was making any noise." She smiles a lot, raises her eyebrows in typical Joy fashion. I remember as a youngster sitting at the dining room table trying to get one eyebrow to arch up dramatically like mom can. I remember Melissa and I having a contest to see if we could do it.

I wonder if they have backgammon in Heaven. I've probably said this before, but we have an 8yr tournie going....I'm winning, but she's close on my heels! And of course in the early days she was always ahead, but we managed to get it close to even before their winter visits were over. I took her board to the rehab unit in Nampa after her surgery. I had to move for her, but she rolled her own dice and approved or disapproved where I moved her pips.

Good memories.

Poppa let me know that he is out of cookies. I baked soft ginger cookies for mom and had a bunch in the freezer. I guess I'm going to have to get back in the kitchen and get another batch made.

Windy and rainy in South Central Alaska....I think it is in the high 30's this evening. It looks like break-up weather, but I think it is just the annual tease we get this time of year. I try not to get too excited.

Good-Bye Sharon

The home health nurse came for the last time today. I'm going to miss her and hope that the Hospice nurses are as wonderful as she has been.

Hospice comes at 10AM and the gal said they would be here about 2 hours. One hour for the intake and one hour for the nurse.

Mom was more awake tonight than she has been in awhile. I asked her if I could wash her hair and she agreed. Late last week she said that I couldn't, so I was pleased that tonight she agreed. I washed and did a little blow dry and then popped her hat back on. She's sporting her red raspberry fuzzy hat with a rolled brim, she looks very cozy.

Dad is sitting in the recliner next to her bed watching a PBS show about American Indians.

I'm headed to bed so I can get up early and get the kiddlets on task before Hospice arrives.

~He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces~

Promises of Romans

Romans 5

Peace and Joy Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Death Through Adam, Life Through Christ Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned— for before the law was given, sin was in the world. But sin is not taken into account when there is no law. Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who was a pattern of the one to come.

But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.

Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Father what you have for us is better than anything we could desire for ourselves. Through suffering you change us and make us more like Christ. You give us hope and the knowledge that there is nothing here that is better than what is to come. Help us to keep our eyes on the prize that you have for us; to spend all eternity with you. Lord open our eyes to truth, pour out your spirit on us so that we might give you the glory you deserve. In Jesus' Name, Amen

I fixed the comment setting

Heading out the door to church. I was able to fix the comment settings (duh) I'm new to this! Now anyone can post a comment if they wish.

Mom's BP & Pulse are up today...ah the rollercoaster continues. She drank some Boost this morning and is resting now.

Mom has kind of been in and out of it, not always able to communicate clearly, but this morning after the roll routine I was tucking her in and she looked me in the eye and said "I love you so much!" Those words are so precious now, more so than ever!

Watching out Mom's Window

The Bohemian Wax Wings, 4 of them were eating the current berries left over from fall.
They look huge compared to our usual birds; Chickadees, Red Poles, and Nuthatches. The Waxwings feathers look like...wax they are so perfectly smooth. They pluck the berries with amazing speed and down they go.

I wish I had the camera in my hand when Sam hollered "Moose." Out the back window I saw the head of the momma and the back of the baby go flying across the yard. Now we are talking huge! Alaska is incredible, what appears outside my window is simply amazing. I'll see if I can pull up the photo of the moose licking our livingroom window....that was pretty interesting. Searched and searched, can't find the moose pics. We had a bird feeder hanging from the eves and the moose was trying to get the suet. There were two of them licking the livingroom window. The kids were little and sitting on the back of the couch touching the moose through the glass. I was freaked out and on the OTHER side of the room. I love moose, but I think they could've bashed in the glass and trompled us all. I don't like my wildlife quite so close.

I'm off to fold laundry...never a dull moment.

Is today the day?

That's what I wonder every day I wake up, will mom pass away today? Will she enter her eternal rest, will the veil part and she'll be glorified? Her blood pressure is down to 96/60 and her pulse went from 95 yesterday to 65 today. Maybe today is her day.

Yesterday afternoon dad came in and kissed her, which he does every time he passes the doorway, and asked her if she knew who he was. She said yes and then I said, who am I, and she said "My mother"...guess she isn't too far off on that one. So she got more kisses!

Dad sat downstairs with mom all evening. We waffle from being emotional to laughing.

Today during our morning routine she wasn't too happy that I had to uncover her and roll her. She said "Beth, stop it!" I laughed, thinking she thought I was Bethie and was bugging her somehow. Early this morning she said, "I thought we were going," and I said, "going where," and she said "going home, I thought we were going home," I reassured her that soon we would.

She is calm and peaceful. Her skin is cool and clean, she is listening to gentle music...well she's snoring and I'm listening to peaceful music. I asked her if she wanted a hat on and she said yes, so I put her red raspberry colored, super soft hat on and she looks quite snuggly.

Oh death where is your sting....well for Mom and anyone who loves Jesus, there is no sting, only glorification when we step behind the veil. And I was reading that Jesus, who sits at the right hand of the Father, gets up off the throne and comes to welcome us home. Isn't that something....for each believer who enters into his rest, He is welcomed by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Talk about a personal touch!!! Looking forward to it.

To be absent from the body is to be in the presence of the King! pamelaparaphrase

Come Lord Jesus, let's go home!!

Celebrating Sarah's 19th Birthday.....Jan 28th

Sarah being silly on her 19th Birthday

Poppa Sharing some of Sarah's Birthday Cake and Ice Cream with Grandma

Poppa Eating Cake & Sarah opening one of her gifts.





Grandma & Sarah Beth sharing a laugh

Let it Snow!!

Here s a photo of Poppa with his faithful companion Willy, outside shoveling the new 3" we received last night.

Mom slept well. I went it at 6:00AM to check on her and she woke up while I was next to her bed. I gave her some water and then she went back to sleep.

I'm still trying to master the roll, tuck, routine. Rolling up the old bedding and getting the new stuff underneath without causing too much discomfort. Mom asked for pain meds this morning and is sleeping peacefully.

Today is Tony's 12 hour shift at the hospital, it makes for a LONG Friday!

The new pastor and his wife accepted! We are all thrilled! They will be here in a few weeks.

Dad is inside now, nose all thawed and reading the newspaper in his recliner.

The Home Health Nurse called and said their director asked them to only go out on emergencies today, due to the weather. They'll be here on Monday and Hospice starts on Tuesday or Wednesday.

I'm feeling like I'm running through wet cement. My adrenals must be fatigued....off to find my vitamins and actually TAKE them.

Happy Valentines Day

We were greeted this morning to a cornucopia of delectible delights on our breakfast table. A dentist's dream, boxes of chocolates and sugary treats. Cards and flowers and stuffed animals. My husband has started a tradition, every Valentines Day he dresses the table in an array of pinks, reds and whites. Down the center of the table is a bear & heart table runner, around the window is a string of red puffed heart lights. Each place setting has a small box of candy, gift and card. In the center of the table is a stuffed bear that says "I love you" and a heart shaped bowl of treats. Each year he adds a new strand of foil cupids or hearts to the mix, it looks like someone vomited Valentines Day all over the table. This is such a sweet thing Tony does, but what a sight!!


You might wonder how did such a tradition get started. One year my beloved said he would pick something up for the kids for Valentines Day, I think I had forgotten, and he has been going great guns ever since. I think he enjoys it! As you can imagine chocolate for breakfast makes for an interesting school day! Thank goodness they are older now and have more self-restraint..they at least save some for dessert.


Tony and Dad bought mom and me a dozen roses. They are long stemmed, red and very pretty. Mom's are next to her bed and when she is lying on her side she can see them. Dad also got mom the sweetest card.


Hospice came today. Actually it was the "pre" information meeting. Unnecessary in my mind...but anyway...RuthAnn came, she is a psychologist, chaplin (women chaplins?), spiritual guide (?) and she wanted to recommend that we have the next person come to explain all about Hospice. I really didn't see the point of her coming?


So next week Ellie will come along with RuthAnn to discuss exactly what Hospice offers. I like our home health nurse so much that I hate to break in a new one....or three. Cutting to the chase I asked, what exactly does Hospice offer that we don't have through Home Health already? She said more help, someone we can call 24 hrs a day, someone who will help with the physical work caring for mom, someone who will help us when and if things get more difficult. If mom needed oxygen or higher dose pain meds they can get it quick. I can't imagine how things will change so it is hard for me to think we'll need help...but I guess we might. And dad might need someone other than me to talk to, although we do a pretty good job getting stuff out in the open. She mentioned that we might want to be able to really focus on mom and talking to her towards the end and not have to worry about her care/meds/etc.. I said that I think the work is what keeps me able to stay in the room with her, if I didn't have anything to do, I'd go bonkers...just sitting with someone who is dying is painful and frankly I've said it all. There isn't anything unsaid, so in the last moments of life I can't imagine I'll be squeaking out any important details. She knows she is loved, I tell her everytime I see her, I've thanked her for being a wonderful mom, I've told her I'm going to miss her and can't wait to get to Heaven myself! Save me a place in line, I don't think we'll be very far behind!! It is painful to watch someone die. Sooo not sure what they are offering is going to be needed...but I haven't walked here before so I really don't have a clue! On the other side of all this I'm sure I'll have a different story to tell.


So we'll see Ellie & RuthAnn on Monday.


Mom's BP and pulse are normal, breathing just great, no fluid in her lungs, no pain pills today, just sleeping a lot, drinking water. She was all smiles at Emily Joy when she came in to help me adjust Grandma in bed. Before that she was kind of grousing at me for having to uncover her....but in pops a grandkid and she is all smiles. She does that with Tony as well...all smiles when he stops in.


Off to make dinner before the kiddo's head off to karate.

Balmy 35 degrees

It must be spring! Sharon our home health nurse said it was 35 outside! We'd better get out the shorts and BBQ! We've had such a run of cold weather this will be a nice change of pace.

Tony, Sarah and Dad went to Anchorage today. They went to the commissary while Sarah had her lesson. Then stopped at Applebees for lunch and at a friends house for a visit. I think getting out was good for dad.

Hospice is coming on Thursday. We like our Home Health nurse so much I hate to change, but we'll listen to what Ruth has to say..see if what she's selling is what is in mom's best interest.

Mom is sleeping well. She wakes up when I come into the room. I'm concerned she can't communicate clearly about her pain needs. But when she wants water she can say "I want some water"....so I guess I'm just being paranoid. I don't want to think she would suffer because I wasn't able to understand what she was asking for. Mom told Sharon she was glad to see her today and hoped that she would be cleared up next week when she returns. I think the mental confusion is frustrating for mom, although she doesn't show it.

Teach me your ways, Oh Lord! Find me faithful to the end, never wavering in my trust in you and your ability to carry me through....oh a song.... hmm weird words in some places, but I like the tune and the Carry us through part.... He is definitely Carrying me Through!

Carry Us Through
I took a train
Headed home
Where the colors stream
And my thoughts they go
I was looking Lord
For the Wind to blow
Come carry us through
Sometimes there's doubts
When the dogs they bark
And you're just not sure
What is in the dark
I start to cry
But then the wind goes by
To carry us through
Carry us through, carry us through
Carry us through, carry us through
Looking for the wind to blow
To carry us through
When we think that it's over
Baby we find new things to be afraid of
We can pray till we're older
And believe that there is hope
Even in the night
There is hope
We grab existence
By our defeats
And somehow laugh
When we are weak
We're being made strong
From underneath
Carry us through
Carry us through
Take off of your shoulders
The burdens that you carry of your own regret
Someone else needs holding
And it's very hard to smile when you are all stuck inside yourself
So we close our eyes
And we see the Light
There are so many
To hold on tight
Don't be afraid
To pray just like a child
Lord carry us through
Carry us through, carry us through
Carry us through, carry us through
I been praying
Lord I'm so overdue
Lord carry us through, carry us through
Carry us through, carry us through
Carry us through, carry us through
But Lord come on where are You
You come carry us through, carry us through
Carry us through, carry us through

Need a Nap

The doctor doesn't think mom needs oxygen and he is probably right. She isn't in any distress at this point. But knowing that it will take a week or so to get it approved is concerning. So we have an appointment to have Hospice come in. I guess they have standing orders and can get oxygen easily along with pain meds incase she needs them.

Mom is resting quietly today. I'm turning her every 2 to 2 1/2 hours during the day. She continues to refuse food and medicine. I was able to get her lactulose into some juice yesterday but today she won't take anything but water.

For short moments of time mom will have her eyes open and will answer questions and other times she yawns and down go her eyelids. I think she is tired of working at living, poor thing. She is just worn out.

I'm very sleepy today. I didn't have any trouble sleeping, but I woke up earlier than usual and stayed up. I think I'll go curl up on dad's bed next to mom and rest.

Dad and Tony will go to Anchorage tomorrow to get groceries. I'll stay with mom. Dad hasn't mastered the roll and change routine I've got going, so I'll stay home and keep things on track. I think dad needs a day out, he hasn't gone anywhere in awhile.

New snow today.... 3" and still falling. Beautiful and peaceful.


Face to face with Christ my Savior,
Face to face- what will it be -
When with rapture I behold Him,
Jesus Christ Who died for me?
Only faintly now I see Him,
With the darkling veil between;
But a blessed day is coming,
When His glory shall be seen.
Face to face I shall behold Him,
Far beyond the starry sky
Face to face in all His glory,
I shall see Him by and by! Carrie Beck

Well mom surprised me...she woke up and said "I'm hungry"...so I brought her a warm Chocolate Boost and she drank 1/4 of it. I put her up high in her bed and we chatted a bit. She raised her eyebrows and smiled when I told her today was Thomas's 46th birthday. We talked about how he had such a HUGE nose when he was a new born, he looked like a little old man. We'll call him tonight before he goes to work and sing Happy Birthday to the old man!

Nice Surprise! Every moment is a gift.

Sleeping like a baby

The nurse left, she has ordered oxygen for mom. Her breathing isn't distressed, but the nurse thought it might clear her head up a bit and since she has shallow abdominal breathing it might bring her some comfort. The medical supply company will deliver it in the morning.

The oxygen might give mom mental clarity and she might rally. The nurse said days or weeks, but it really is difficult to know for sure. Her lungs are clear, her vitals are normal.

The nurse put mom on her service every day this week incase we need her to come. Sharon is really an angel and such a comfort to me. I ask her all the time if I'm doing everything I can and am I doing it right. She is a gentle teacher and a caring advocate for mom.

Time to turn and hydrate mom.

God is always good!

I know who is sustaining me and giving me the energy to get the job done with compassion and grace...Thank-you Jesus!

Sleeping Lots

Sunday we had church and a potluck to vote in our new Senior Pastor. It was almost unanimous. Joe and his wife live in Pasco WA. We all loved him and can't wait for him to accept and move up. We've been without a senior pastor for 5 yrs now.

Mom had a quiet day. Slept a lot, ate very little and drank little. She refused all pills. She did have some pain and requested a pain pill. Just 1/2 a pill seems to put her to sleep. She is talking less today. All her vitals are good and her lungs continue to be clear.

Monday...The nurse is coming today as usual. Mom is very sleepy, not waking up much. She did ask for water and I am quick to get in an "I love you" and a kiss with her drink. She told me she loved me too, smiled then drifted back tosleep. I ask her if she is in pain and she shakes her head no. Praise God!

I called the doctor for liquid oxycodone. Since she isn't taking food, I don't want her to struggle with the pills if she needs them. Tony is picking up the RX on his way home this afternoon.

It feels pretty heavy here, like we know what is coming, but not when.

God is Good even when life is hard. Don't leave anything unsaid....get to it!!

Riding a Rollercoaster

It feels like we've been on one the past couple days. Mom is needing anti nausea meds and pain pills now. This is difficult, because once she is on the meds she can't communicate very clearly and I feel like I've lost her already. She had successfully been off all pain meds for a couple months and she was so much her usual self. She would laugh and talk, it was a gift.

My flesh and my heart faileth; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. Psalm 73:26

Mom was up at 8:30AM she had her usual poached egg, toast and Boost. She ate about 1/2 of it. She took her important meds and is now sleeping on her side.

Hope is an incredible gift. It is also painful. I am here fussing over pills and is she getting enough nutrients and watching all my effort be for naught. I can't save her, I can't heal her, I can't fix this. I can only hope to make her comfortable, move her body for her, feed her bites when she'll take them, administer medicine for pain when she asks, comfort her when she is confused.

I don't know how I'll let her go.

How Can I Keep From Singing Your Praise

"There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives
And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

How can I keep from singing your Praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is your love
How can I keep from shouting your name
I know I am LOVED by the King
And it makes my Heart want to sing!

Chris Tomlin

Better today

Mom is feeling a bit better today. No nausea and she ate a good breakfast. Not as much as usual, but better. I emailed the doctor to ask him to rank her medicines by importance so on days when she isn't feeling well enough to take them all, I would know which to start with. He also addressed how things might progress. He said when patients refuse to eat or drink things can be close to the end. I am not in denial, I know she is in the end stage of this disease, but I don't think we are in the last weeks. One day at a time Sweet Jesus, I'll just take one day at a time!

Mom is having more pain though, so prayers towards that end would be appreciated. She is not moving much and when she does she is so fragile it hurts. I asked the doc which pain reliever would be best. I know we might have to go back to the narcotics, which means mom is less able to participate in her care, but when it is necessary we will give her what she needs to be comfortable. He suggested trying Doans as it won't affect her kidney output or the liver. He said at this stage though Tylenol (if it helps) would be a better choice than Aspirin since GI bleeding is a possible complication. He said cutting a narcotic into small doses might offer her the best relief.

The doctor told me to be sure to take care of myself, that caregivers have a tendancy to expend all their energy at the expense of their own health. I think that is wise, but have yet to fully grasp and apply holding back for my own sake. I hear people say "take time for yourself", that is great but very difficult to do. I will trust the Lord to provide "me" time as He sees fit to make it happen. I trust Him to take care of my body, mind and soul. I see my job is to love Him with all my heart, mind and soul. So for me that plays out in daily communication with Christ. I talk to him, listen to his word (loving James McDonald's Walk In The Word online sermons) read his word, and sing. Loving Chris Tomlins "How can I keep from Singing Your Praise" and his version of "Amazing Grace"... after the first two verses he goes into ..."My chains are gone, I've been set free, My God my Savior has ransomed me, And like a flood his mercy reigns, Unending Love, Amazing Grace." I think about mom, being set free from the chains of this disease, being set free from the things of this world when she closes her eyes in death and opens them in front of the King. What a wonderful day that will be.

Come Lord Jesus!

Medicine

This is a photo of Willy after a big wet snow, we had to shower him off to melt the snow balls. He was quite a sight.

The doctor ordered anti-nausea meds and mom has taken a half dose. She is sleeping but when I woke her to try to feed her she said she was still nauseated..so I might have to give her the other 1/2. She isn't taking any of her meds or eating. I go in every so often to give her something to drink. The nurse wanted me to know that she might be declining now and that I should be prepared. I don't think so. I could be wrong...but I just don't "feel" like we are there yet. But what do I know...I don't have any experience with dying. My thinking is that if she can still be a smart alec she must not be ready to go. She smiled and laughed when I told her I wanted her to eat something and said, "Aren't I frustrating." I said "YES, but that's okay, I love you anyway!!"

Happy Birthday to Aunt JoAnn!!

I'm off here to clean the bathroom, change the laundry and see if I can coax mom into drinking some juice.

BRRRRRRrrrrrrrr

Minus 34 is what our Home Health Nurse Sharon woke up to this morning. She lives in Willow. Whew...makes my Minus 15 seem like nothing.

Mom's BP is low today, she is still nauseated and not eating but a few bites of toast. She is only taking a few of her meds. Sharon was going to ask the doc for an anti nausea medicine as she won't try the ginger capsules. She has slept a lot this weekend. I gave her the last dose of antibiotic this morning and I hope that is the cause of the nausea and should be out of her system in 24 to 48 hours. We are praying that the antibiotic did its job and the UTI is gone. We are concerned about renal failure.

The Home Health nurse reminded me that dehydration can elevate your lab results as well as cause nausea, so it might not be renal. We can hope.

Praying God's will be done! Healing or Heaven...it is a win win situation for mom!

Color Deprived Alaska

Thinking of Spring











Went to Wal-Mart for Grandma's supplies. This antibiotic is making her nauseated. She wouldn't eat until late tonight and then just a few bites of toast. I'm hoping that will improve tomorrow. I bought all her favorites, mandaraine orange cups, lime jello, Chocolate Boost and Sourdough bread.
She tried to take some of her pills but they didn't stay down. The important ones did, so that was good.

Hoping her appetite returns tomorrow.

For those who watch the game...enjoy. We aren't big sports fans, but I'm sure we'll see parts of it tomorrow.

Hope your Sunday is blessed!

Better Today

Mom is better today, she is stronger when standing and pivoting. She ate a good breakfast. The Home Health Nurse called with faxed info from the doctor's office. I will have to call doc. for some clarity of a couple of his instructions. He is increasing some meds, adding a couple others. I think mom is more clear minded already with only 2 doses of antibiotics on board. So a good day.

Very cold today, negative 3 at 11:30AM, clear, blue sky. Expecting 10 above for our high today.

One Minute After You Die, you will be either elated or terrified...and it will be too late to reroute your travel plans. Chose wisely!