Mom has slipped into a coma. She stopped responding to us yesterday. Her heartbeat is strong, BP is good, but her respirations are low just 4 per minute. The hospice nurse said any time now she could go. It is so very difficult to watch her change and know that there is no turning back time, no fixing it.
I wanted to sing her to glory..stand around her bed and sing but I just can't ...I just cry. I hold her hand and stroke her face. I massage her scalp and put her hat back on. I swab her mouth with olive oil to keep the tissue moist. I resposition her and tell her every time I'm in the room that I love her. I keep talking to her telling her the latest news. And I cry.
There is no way to escape the feeling that I wished I could've done more to help mom. That some how I could fix things. I can't console myself with pat answers of "God must want her more," "She will be happier," "She will be out of pain." Right now, all I want is my mom back. I want to hear her voice and feel her arms around me telling me that everything is going to be okay. I want her to come into the kitchen and stir the pot on the stove. I want her warm hands to warm mine. I want to play backgammon with her and discuss my children's lives. I want to hear stories about her childhood and mine. I want her to say that I did a good job, that she felt my care and knew I did everything I could to make her last days comfortable. I want to know that she felt loved and that she knows she will be missed. I want to hear her say, "I love you," just one more time.
4 comments:
Pam, you are a human being--a real, live human being! The pain and loss you are feeling is the best proof of that. But you are also a loving human being and you know that no matter how you are hurting now, you would not want your Mother to hurt anymore. I'm not telling you anything you don't know and I can assure you the tears will come for many years, but think for a moment about all those who will be there to greet her and welcome her to a life without anymore pain. In other words, sometimes we just have to think of THEM, not us--and that is not easy. March 10 will be three years since your Grandpa McDonald died and I still have tears, but then I think of heaven and I'll bet he's getting his oatmeal the way he wants it!! God bless you, dear. You've a long hard road ahead, but know that there are many on that same road. Now it will be your turn to help them along that road. Love you, Aunt JoAnn
So sorry, dearest. Praying for God's comfort and strength for you. I so wish there was some other way through than through...
Charity
I gain wisdom from your sharing. God has used you more than you know. Your hurt and sorrow and that expresed by Aunt JoAnn are so true. We all stand with our arms around you wishing "Mom could stirr the pot again." As the song goes, "Peace, peace, wonderful peace...." is my prayer for you.
Thanks for sharing your heart.
Aunt Cathy
Pam....just read this and want to share a well loved hymn with someone's current adaptation:
JESUS LOVES ME
Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me ! trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go
On through life, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS)
When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love
(CHORUS)
I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.
(CHORUS)
all my love, Carol
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