My Thursday

Thank-you everyone for your calls, emails and kind words. They mean so much.



When I woke up Thursday morning I knew we were really on borrowed time. On Monday the hospice nurse had told us probably 48 hrs left and we were past that. I didn't expect to find mom with us, but she was, I was happy to get to kiss her check again. I washed her up and repositioned her. Dad was in and out, the kids and Tony as well. I decided to take a shower and when I came back I knew things had changed. I called dad and Tony and repositioned mom. We were all standing around her bed, I adjusted her fuzzy hat, kissed her and she took her last breath.

It was a slow slide, we weren't taken by surprise, but it is still shocking how quickly it all seems to come to a stop.

I made phone calls, the Hospice nurse came, the funeral director arrived, we said our good-byes, mom is taken, Karen left, we are numb. The phone rings...

In typical Shaffer fashion we work to keep the grief from overwhelming us. The room has been cleaned and things are tidy. There are marks in the carpet where the hospital bed wheels were. The wheel chair has been returned, the sheets washed and put away, the room rearranged to make things more comfortable for dad. The oxygen concentrator is turned off and in the garage awaiting pick up. The silence is deafening.

I'm in the kitchen finishing cooking, I'm thinking...I need to go check on mom. Walking by the doorway I look in and listen, force of habit. For a split second I have forgotten that she is gone. The cat comes into the room, what has changed, where is she. Poor Willy doesn't understand where is Grandma, where is the toast she usually feeds me.

I still have mom's clothes to sort through and medical records to organize. Dad has things he has to do. We have to go to the funeral home tomorrow at 10AM. Dad has to call Social Security, I have to figure out what to make for dinner. All I want to do is crawl into bed and stay there for awhile. But life goes on, Tony has work, the kids need to do their schoolwork....time is cruel, but I know the Lord gave it to us for our benefit. Just today though, I'd like to stop time and indulge my flesh and grieve.

I miss my mom. I loved her so much.

...though there is weeping for a night, joy comes in the morning.....

Waiting for my joy.