New Project String Quilt Blocks

Above are primary colored string quilt blocks made from children's sewing project scraps.

Started with 12" block foundations, sewed diagonal scraps of different widths and lengths, cut them into 4 smaller blocks, rearrange, then resew. Not sure why the middle bottom of the photo looks pink. I'm thinking I'll take the blocks apart and sash them with blue or red. I might try a flannel back so it will be snuggly for a toddler. The middle block hasn't been cut yet. I like it and wish I hadn't cut all the others now. I'm still learning.

Below are pastel, string quilt blocks made from vintage and current sewing project scraps

I started off with 6" foundation blocks so each one is unique. No cutting them apart and I'm not sure I'll sew them together. Still playing with the design. Will probably do a little sashing around each block and then a wide border and then coordinating binding. Flannel back, no batting since each block has a foundation piece it is sewn to.

I've got a few pieces of satin, velvet and textured fabrics I am going to try a crazy quilt with those. They are highly embroidered which makes a nice project that doesn't require the machine. Now if I can just learn to embroider while on the treadmill I'd really be productive!



We are in Acts this week. Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. Love it where Stephen, while being stoned to death, asked the Lord to not hold this sin against them.


Father help us to be more like Stephen, to see the bigger picture and not react with a selfish heart, but to respond in a Christ like manner to everyone.

Mom's Memory Quilt

This quilt is made from mom's blouses, night gowns, robes

and vintage fabric from her sewing stash

Rail Fence pattern, stippled, muslin backing and coordinating binding

Stippling is still a challenge but I'm learning

100 Skirt Project

Emily Joy's Skirt "Flutterby"

My dear friend Charity started the 100 Skirt Project to benefit the girls at Shadow of His Wings Orphanage in Guatemala. Here is the link. Charity posted her plan on her blog, invited girls from church to join the project and had a huge turn out of people intersted in serving the Lord in this way.

Sarah's Skirt she titled Salsa I made this skirt from fabric mom and I picked out to make a dress for Sarah when she was little


This was also a remnant from mom's sewing stash



Each skirt will arrive with a special embellishment, a matching tee shirt, and a tag with a name. Read posts at Charity's blog for more photos of adorable skirts people have lovingly sewn and for more information on the 100 Skirt Project.

Emily applying the finishing touches to her skirt

Sam's Quilt is finished!!! Praise God!!

I ended up stippling in the triangles and borders and outlined the hearts and sashes. All in all a fun first quilt project for both mom and me!

This shows the stippling up close a bit more


Here the red back with white thread shows all my fun and every mistake.

This was some leftover flannel that I pieced into blocks and then tied with soft baby yarn.

The top piece is a leftover from mom's stash. She had made my first baby blanket from it 45 yrs ago... and now I used the leftover for my first grand baby, Lord willing. I finished the edges with a decorative pale pink stitch that is difficult to see. Definitely a soft and snuggly blankie.

Sam's Quilt

I received a yard of fabric to help finish the border of Sam's quilt that mom started. She had all 18 blocks finished minus a few sashes. I pieced the triangle corners and put the blocks together. I found a neat site on line that helps you locate missing fabric. Within a week I received an email from a neat gal in Michigan. She has 4000 yards of fabric in her home...that's right 4000 yards. The woman is a quilt-a-holic with a very understanding husband. I thought it was great that she took the time to search her stash to find the one yard I needed to complete my project.

I'll add a red binding and either a blue or red back fabric. I'm going to design a quilt pattern for the top that will make the hearts pop. I'm still learning and having fun. I used a herringbone basting stitch and didn't have any trouble with the last quilt shifting during the quliting process, so I'll try that again. I think pin basting would be faster, but I'm concerned about the shift factor.

Melissa's quilt is finished

Childhood Memories - for Melissa

I made this quilt out of old fabric that mom had used to sew clothes for her children. Melissa and I can go through this quilt and point out the fabric mom used to make a dress, or pajamas or a doll dress. It was a lot of fun going through all the boxes and talking about our memories. The Hawaiian fabric used for the back and border mom purchased when she and dad went to Hawaii in the early 70's.

This was a first attempt at quilting and I know I have a lot to learn. Melissa promised to squint when she looks at my stitches.

Next on the table is to finish the red white and blue quilt for Sam that mom had started. I found a yard of the Patrick Lose fabric online and am waiting for it to arrive to finish the border.

We started school last Monday. We have history and science to finish up from last year. The kids are less than thrilled. Thankfully this Alaskan summer is wet and cloudy so being inside isn't nearly as painful as it would be if it were 70 and sunny. I'm hoping we'll finish up in 4 weeks and be able to take a couple weeks off in August before the new year begins again.

Hope everyone is having a terrific summer.

Happy 75th Birthday Mom

Today Beverly Joyce was born to Violet Elaine and Lloyd Garfield Brown. I wonder what was going through Grandma Vi's mind. She had Betty Jo and Barbara Jean and now a third daughter, Beverly Joyce! Whose idea was it to name their daughters with B's and J's?

I'm finishing up the first quilt that mom started. She made it for Sam. I'm enjoying working on it, my first machine quilt. I need to find some fabric for the border and then I'll be able to finish it up. I was telling Sam how grandma made each of the heart blocks and that she made them just for him. He thought that was pretty special.

Today is Father's Day and Tony is working a 12hr shift. The kids got up early and made him breakfast; cheese & veggie omelet, spam and rice (a Hawaiian thing), cinnamon toast and fruit cup. We'll surprise him with a picnic lunch after church. Emily wrote the sweetest poem for her dad. In general we just spoil everyone rotten on their special day.

We are off to church. Hope your day is blessed.

Memorial Service

The services for mom were lovely. Reverend Beaty did a wonderful job presenting the truth from the scripture.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep (means to die), or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven (hallelujiah), with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Reverend Beaty encouraged us to remember that we do not grieve as the world grieves because we have the hope of Heaven! Yes we grieve, but it is not over yet, we will be reunited again one day, I hope very soon.

We read the Lord's Prayer, sang In The Garden, a favorite of moms and had a photo tribute and open mic time. We sang Blessed Assurance and then prayed. Sarah provided prelude and postlude music from a selection of mom's favorites.

The pipe organ and stained glass window above the alter were lovely. Boone is a beautiful church. Guests wound out the front of the church as we only had one guest book. As I walked down the line, I greeted faces I haven't seen since childhood and hugged necks of people I am related to but haven't seen in 15 years. It was wonderful.

The reception consisted of deli sandwiches, veggie trays, 3 bean salad, pasta salad, pea salad, green veggie salad, watermelon, carrot cake, cream puffs and 108 chocolate chip pecan cookies (baked by yours truly). I do so enjoy cooking, something mom taught me.

The deacons were terrific and helpful with setting up the food and cleaing up after our reception. Sylvia is a gem!

A few family members came home to visit with us. We had leftover reception lunch to munch on when we got hungry again. A friend of mine from high school happened to see mom's memorial service reminder in the paper and was in town from Jerome for a wedding and stopped by the house after the service. It was great to catch up.

It was a quiet evening and when everyone had gone home, it was very quiet. Dad retired to his chair to unwind a bit. I spent the evening reading cards and putting the guest book info into the computer.

Sunday I had planned to go to church at Boone, but ended sleeping in! I think the total of all the weeks prep caught up with me. With only two days left I still had alot left to do.

Cousin Babette invited our family to her house for dinner Sunday evening. She has a lovely home and a 7 acre dirt bike track in her backyard. Sam had heard about cousin Taylor and Marty's dirt bike racing and was excited to go. After dinner Sam suited up and had a great time. The boys are incredibly talented and I'm sure I've got a few new gray hair after watching them sail through the air. I enjoyed chatting with Aunt Sandy and meeting Babette's dogs...I'm thinking Brannon needs to send me one of his miniature/toy schnauzers....they are SOOooo cute! Left uncut they have very soft fur and the sweetest faces!

Monday we interned mom's ashes at Canyon Hill Cemetery. Mom was placed next to her daddy, Lloyd Garfield Brown. The tree next to Brownie didn't allow her stone to be placed beside his, but set behind the tree. This is just like mom, she wouldn't have wanted to remove the tree, but humbly her stone sits behind everyone else. Her life, sacrifical in nature, never putting herself ahead of another, humble, gentle, sweet.... my precious mother.

Dad, Aunt Cathy, Uncle Don, Melissa, Stan, Tony, Sarah, Emily, Sam and I prayed at mom's grave site, talked, laughed, put Curly and Colleens pink roses (mom's favorite) beside her headstone and said our good-byes. Melissa put a fan in with mom, and we placed a hankie that we found in her bureau with a note attached that said "I would like to be buried with this hankie, I used it the most and it will keep my nose from dripping." Mom always had a hankie with her, a symbol of her femininity.

Monday afternoon was solemn. I puttered around doing laundry, packing, cleaning, staying busy as usual. After hearing we don't have a Krispie Kreme donut restaurant in Alaska, Melissa ran and picked up some for us....what a treat! Oh my, what a treat!!!

Tuesday morning came early. We rose at 4:30AM and after 5 showers and last minute packing ,and a tearful good-bye with dad, we headed to the airport. Tony turned in the rental car. The flight was uneventful, I shed numerous tears thinking of dad alone now. The girl sitting next to me was on her way to Bristol Bay to see her fiance. She had never been to Alaska before...and I was thinking how life goes on. Here a new couple about to be married, and my dad grieving for the wife he shared his life with for 47 years.

And Life goes on.

Revelation 21:4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.

Prince Casey and Princess Emily Joy

Banquet 2008 Casey and Emily Joy

Beautiful Alaskan background

Casey and Emily mugging for the camera

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey and Emily Joy have been friends since they were toddlers. When Casey invited Em to join him for his school banquet, she happily accepted. The flurry of shopping that ensued was quite the experience. The kids had a great time.

Sarah's College Choir Concert

Mat-Su College Spring Choir Concert

A Night at the Music Theater.

Music from Movies & Favorite Broadway Shows

They had a great time!! Sarah sang in a trio and did a terrific job

Sarah and Mr. Wonderful aka Caleb Lovelace

Friday is her piano recital, the girl is busy!! Thank goodness things will slow down by the end of this week and we can begin our preparations for our trip to Idaho.

Sweet Emily Joy is having wisdom teeth pain, so it is off to the oral surgeon for her.

Snow Snow Snow

We have had 6-10 inches of snow (according to the newspaper it was 12 inches!). Much of it has melted now with only about 4 inches on the ground. What a beautiful, bright spring surprise! This photo is early on in the day when it started snowing. Some people get a little bent at this weather, I just shake my head, kind of laugh. God certainly knows our need, all this snow filling up our well is just fine with me.

Our house sitter is coming in a bit to meet the pets. I'm hoping she is a match and they all get along well. I'm such a sap, trusting someone to care for my pets is tough.

Sam had a tumble on his dirt bike. This 150 looks WAYYYY too big for him, in my mommy mind. He has a forearm abrasion that isn't too deep. The green bruise around it is pretty gnarly, and he seems to enjoy grossing mom out. Sigh....where is that precious little curly headed boy I gave birth too 13 yrs ago!!! VBG!!!

Poppa Made it Home Safely

I've called dad twice and he sounds great. Thomas picked him up at the airport and they went to dinner. I called him later that evening and he was tired but doing fine. Saturday evening I called and he had had a full day unpacking and settling in. Melissa stopped by for lunch and Amanda dropped in as well. Thomas cooked dinner Saturday night and dad thought that was just great.

It is quiet here. We all miss dad. Tony has prison ministry tonight. Sarah Beth is babysitting the whole weekend way across town and won't be home until late. Emily and Sam are at the neighbors playing football. I'm trying to rest today. I miss dad.

I miss mom

Warning Idaho....Don L. Shaffer is heading home!!!

Dad received the paperwork he was waiting for in today's mail. We filled it out and then he was ready to order his ticket home. He has things to do in Idaho. I offered to go with him but after discussing it he wants to go home and get settled alone. I will follow in May with the rest of the family.

I'm mixed, I want him to go home so he can feel settled again, adjust to home without mom, get a taste of what his new normal is going to be. But I don't want him to go, when he goes I will miss being able to take care of him, the connection to mom through him...all that. Yet time goes on and we have to keep going. It is going to be hard...one more step in the grieving process.

Dad says he might summer in Idaho and winter in Alaska...we'll see.

So watch out Idaho....Don L is headed your way, look for him to land on Friday, April 18th.

9 Holes at Palmer Course

Tony did a pretty good job on the course today. Poppa said that it was a little cool to start but once they got moving it warmed up. The view is spectacular and dad said it was a little distracting. They had a good time. After golf they took a drive to Hatcher's Pass and stopped by the Matanuska River. It was a lovely day today for a drive.

Poppa is Golfing!!!

I wish I had had Tony take the camera to prove to all you golfers out there that we really DO golf in March in Alaska. The guys left after lunch to give the Palmer course a looksie. If the conditions are good they will hit a few balls. We were expecting snow today, so they might have to change their plans if it is too cold, but so far it looks promising.

I called the Canyon Hill Cemetery today and we will place mom on June 2nd. The monument company will place the headstone prior to her internment so we can see what it looks like before we leave Idaho. It could go in any time between now and June 2nd.

I have been working on the Memorial program and need to call the pastor to confirm what the church provides. Melissa's work will print them which will be great. A lot of little details to consider and work out, doing so long distance is a challenge.

God is good and it will all fall together I'm sure.

Easter Sunday

Emily Joy, Sarah Beth, Poppa & Samuel on Easter Morning

The kids pampering Poppa!

Tony's vacation was approved! Praise GOD! I am So glad he gets to come with us! No dates yet, other than the May 31st service, but I'll update as we get closer.

I went to town today and stopped at the grocery store. When I rounded the corner and saw the Mother's Day cards, I had to take a few minutes to regain my composure. I know it is normal, I just haven't had my grief creep up on me so suddenly like it did today.

It has been sunny all day today, really a beautiful day. Sam and Emily Joy have been outside biking all evening. Sam said they stopped to play some football with the neighbors. Sarah and I went to the big city and Tony worked on Pops taxes.

Nothing too exciting.....life goes on.

Boone Memorial Presbyterian Church

Corner of 14th & Dearborn Street
406 14th Avenue
Caldwell Idaho

Guest Book at Idaho Statesman

Link to view the Obituary


http://www.legacy.com/idahostatesman/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=105546645


Link to the Guestbook/view or comment


http://www.legacy.com/idahostatesman/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=105546645

You can view the obituary for 1 year and leave comments as well. Dad thought it was pretty neat!

Snow......

It is snowing softly, it is starting to accumulate on the ground but I don't think it will amount to much.

The Obituaries will be in both, the Boise Idaho Statesman and the Idaho Press Tribune this Thursday the 13th. If someone would send me an original I would appreciate it, it is fine if I get more than one as I want to send a few to folks outside the area.

I was able to reach the church (Boone Memorial in Caldwell) today, they will hold May 31st for us. That is a Saturday. I hope it works for many to attend. I will have details as they unfold closer to the date and will keep everyone informed.

Tough day today, maybe it is the gray, or the impatience I feel with myself, or being couped up with each other so long. I would like to walk on a beach somewhere and not have to take care of anyone for awhile. But I'll settle for the treadmill, in my garage, with my Ipod flooding my head with music.

Monday Monday

Sweet Pea

Today I took dad to the doctor. We wanted to establish a relationship so that if he needs to see someone in the future we would have someone on board. Dr. Boston is from Idaho, Spokane and Utah. He walked into the room and as he shook dad's hand he said, "Caldwell Idaho, well I won't hold that against you." Exactly what dad would've said...so they were instant buddies. They talked potatoes, steak and golf. Dr. Boston was telling dad that he could play golf on the lake that is in our back yard, or a stones throw from our back yard. Dad liked that. He also agreed with dad that if he wanted to eat steak and white potatoes that this old dog could. I was thinking we might lighten the load of diabetes meds by altering his diet a tad, but the doctor has spoken and if dad wants to eat red meat and white potatoes, I am willing to make them. He told dad he had less than 10 yrs to live probably and so he might as well enjoy it. Dad liked that!

Dr. Boston is an internist, a D.O. Doctor of Osteopathic medicine. He is a young, married man well thought of in the medical community here. He is also the chief of emergency medicine at the new Hospital where Tony is employed, Mat-su Regional Medical Center.

Sam has his dirt bike out and is ready to roll. He met two young moose during yesterday's ride. He drew me a diagram showing how he had to slide around it, it was an exciting moment, one this mama is glad she didn't witness. The two moose showed up in our side yard later in the evening and appeared to be siblings. They are such weird creatures.

The sun was out today, and although I'm fighting a cold, it was a pretty good day.

It is spring break here, and although we aren't following the public school schedule we did have a much lighter day. I spent most of it on the phone with Social Security, The Office of Personnel Management, the Insurance company, Idaho newspapers and two hospital billing departments.

The obituaries should be in both newspapers, Idaho Statesman and the Idaho Press Tribune this Thursday the 13th. You need to start a savings account to pay for your obits, whew it's robbery!!

No word yet on a Memorial Service date..I'll call the church tomorrow and keep everyone posted.

Grief

Grief

Can't wiggle out of it

Can't pray it away

Can't pretend it doesn't exist

Can't be too busy for it

It stands

Smack dab in the middle of the road

It expects you to walk through it

It is sticky

It is heavy

It takes time

It makes you slow down

It doesn't let go

Just when you think it is over

It laughs at you as yet

another wave hits

I wonder when it will be over

Bright and Beautiful Days

From Pam's Church

From Uncle Gerry & Aunt Sherry

From Pam's friend Rayann

Dad and I have received some very touching and heart felt sympathies. Everyone is being so kind and sharing precious stories how mom touched them. One of mom's co-workers shared how they used to find neatly folded napkins with a little piece of leftover toast on it at their desks. Apparently mom used to take her toast and coffee around the office and forget where she put them. It made me laugh because she has always been a toast fan. We always find neatly folded pieces of papertowel or napkin with a coffee cup circle and a few crumbs or piece of toast. Silly memories.

Question

We are talking a bit more about the service. If you know of a conflict that you have between April & the end of June, could you let me know. I'd like to see as many of you dear ones as possible but understand life goes on, so no hard feelings if we can't accommodate every one's schedule. I just want to try as best we can since we have the time to do so.

We had a quiet weekend. Everyone is a bit numb. I find myself doing really brainless things and of course the puddling continues. Dad is staying busy, but he's waking up at 5AM and doesn't get back to sleep until 7AM. I recommended he read a bit or jot down the thoughts he's having, get all that out of his brain so he can rest.

I'm finding that obituary writing is not my gift. And research is just confusing me more, some put brother and sister in laws in parentheses, with no last name or location, others list each grand child's name. Some spend more lines on remembering her life and not the people who have proceeded or who survived her. ugh..I'm putting it down for the night and will give it another go tomorrow.

Answers....

Many of you have asked when we will have services for mom. I'm not sure I've reached all of you so I'll post here.

Mom will be cremated in Wasilla Saturday morning. When dad is ready, we will fly to Caldwell and have a Memorial Service. Mom asked to be buried next to her daddy in the Canyon Hill Cemetery.

Dad has mentioned going home in a few weeks and as late as mid summer. I think he needs some time to decide. He might get an itch to golf in a few weeks and be on a plane, in that case we'll see you all soon. But if he is content to stay here, it will probably be May or June before we head down.

Tony, Dad, Sam and the girls are going to the gun show tomorrow. I'm going to have my first day at home alone in over 6 months. My plans are to stay in my jammies all day, have a wonderful cry, crank up some great worship music, praise my Father and let Him comfort me.

That's my plan, we'll see what God has in store.

Beauty in the Midst of Our Cold, Windy, Sad Day

From Edie & Mike

From Aunt BJ & Uncle Ed

From the McDonald Sisters

Dad and I went to the funeral home this morning, it was difficult. We stopped at the grocery store and then headed home. After lunch I decided to take the dog out and throw his ball, something I haven't done in some time.


It is cold, windy and ugly here, that pre-break up weather, just before it gets really muddy and messy. If it weren't for the birds and the mountains, I could skip February & March altogether. I walked around the side of the house and found a pot that I bought a couple years ago for mom, thinking it would be nice above her kitchen sink on the window ledge. I never got around to sending it, but when I saw it today I knew exactly where it belonged.


Before I left Idaho in October I took a start from mom's Aloe Vera plant. It has been sitting on my kitchen counter in a little cup of water, growing sturdy roots, all this time. Every time I watered it I would think, where am I going to put this? Today, I found its home.


While I was planting it, the door bell rang and when I came out of the kitchen there were three lovely gifts on the table. Thank-you McDonald Sisters, Aunt BJ, Uncle Ed, Edie & Mike. ...you certainly did brighten my day. Those of you who have called and emailed, thank-you for sharing in our grief, your words have brought us comfort.


Love,


Pamela, Don & Family

My Thursday

Thank-you everyone for your calls, emails and kind words. They mean so much.



When I woke up Thursday morning I knew we were really on borrowed time. On Monday the hospice nurse had told us probably 48 hrs left and we were past that. I didn't expect to find mom with us, but she was, I was happy to get to kiss her check again. I washed her up and repositioned her. Dad was in and out, the kids and Tony as well. I decided to take a shower and when I came back I knew things had changed. I called dad and Tony and repositioned mom. We were all standing around her bed, I adjusted her fuzzy hat, kissed her and she took her last breath.

It was a slow slide, we weren't taken by surprise, but it is still shocking how quickly it all seems to come to a stop.

I made phone calls, the Hospice nurse came, the funeral director arrived, we said our good-byes, mom is taken, Karen left, we are numb. The phone rings...

In typical Shaffer fashion we work to keep the grief from overwhelming us. The room has been cleaned and things are tidy. There are marks in the carpet where the hospital bed wheels were. The wheel chair has been returned, the sheets washed and put away, the room rearranged to make things more comfortable for dad. The oxygen concentrator is turned off and in the garage awaiting pick up. The silence is deafening.

I'm in the kitchen finishing cooking, I'm thinking...I need to go check on mom. Walking by the doorway I look in and listen, force of habit. For a split second I have forgotten that she is gone. The cat comes into the room, what has changed, where is she. Poor Willy doesn't understand where is Grandma, where is the toast she usually feeds me.

I still have mom's clothes to sort through and medical records to organize. Dad has things he has to do. We have to go to the funeral home tomorrow at 10AM. Dad has to call Social Security, I have to figure out what to make for dinner. All I want to do is crawl into bed and stay there for awhile. But life goes on, Tony has work, the kids need to do their schoolwork....time is cruel, but I know the Lord gave it to us for our benefit. Just today though, I'd like to stop time and indulge my flesh and grieve.

I miss my mom. I loved her so much.

...though there is weeping for a night, joy comes in the morning.....

Waiting for my joy.

She has arrived at her destination

Oregon Coast, Cannon Beach in the distance

Praise the Lord

Praise the Lord

She has arrived!!!

Sitting at the right hand of the Father,

Jesus stood and greeted

Beverly Joyce Brown Darling Shaffer

at 9:41AM on Thursday February 28th

She is yours Father, what a precious child, daughter, sister, friend, wife, and mother she was. Thank-you for the time you gave us together. Thank-you Lord for your everlasting love and faithfulness at all times. Thank-you for your promises that we cling to. We can not understand the plans you have for us, our minds, feeble and weak, do not understand your ways. Thank you for the simple things, our memories, the ties that bind our hearts together and your promise of eternal life through Christ.

To be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord! Thank-you Father!!!

Be our comforter now Lord as we grieve our loss, and celebrate Mom's gain.

All glory be yours Father.

Amen

Slipping gently..... Letting Go

Mom has slipped into a coma. She stopped responding to us yesterday. Her heartbeat is strong, BP is good, but her respirations are low just 4 per minute. The hospice nurse said any time now she could go. It is so very difficult to watch her change and know that there is no turning back time, no fixing it.

I wanted to sing her to glory..stand around her bed and sing but I just can't ...I just cry. I hold her hand and stroke her face. I massage her scalp and put her hat back on. I swab her mouth with olive oil to keep the tissue moist. I resposition her and tell her every time I'm in the room that I love her. I keep talking to her telling her the latest news. And I cry.

There is no way to escape the feeling that I wished I could've done more to help mom. That some how I could fix things. I can't console myself with pat answers of "God must want her more," "She will be happier," "She will be out of pain." Right now, all I want is my mom back. I want to hear her voice and feel her arms around me telling me that everything is going to be okay. I want her to come into the kitchen and stir the pot on the stove. I want her warm hands to warm mine. I want to play backgammon with her and discuss my children's lives. I want to hear stories about her childhood and mine. I want her to say that I did a good job, that she felt my care and knew I did everything I could to make her last days comfortable. I want to know that she felt loved and that she knows she will be missed. I want to hear her say, "I love you," just one more time.

Do you remember this day?

I found this photo in mom's purse

Mom is on the left holding Cyndi,

Beth and Gerry are on either side of Great Grandpa Samuelson

And BJ is on the far right

The date is 1948 so that makes mom 15 yrs old

Hospice Nurse

Ocean in Hawaii

Vicki was here this afternoon. She thought mom would pass in the next 48 hrs. It isn't often that they give time, but she felt that mom's current condition was a good sign that things are progressing rapidly now. I just smile...because I know the One who numbers our days and has mom firmly in His hand. So I'll just trust God to take mom home when He decides.

Vicki asked me, "so how is your mom" my response is, WONDERFUL! She is just hours away from GLORY! Praise God!!! I don't understand the whole "higher power" business. There is only ONE way to Heaven folks. Christ said, I am the way, the truth, the light. He is the DOOR to the way, He is the ONLY hope we have of spending another minute with mom or our loved ones. He that acknowledges me before men, I will acknowledge him before my father. There is no Allah, Mohammad, Buddha, or other god that has risen from the dead, that has the power to save...only Jesus. Soooo if you aren't on board...get there quickly! Okay..mini sermon over...mom always said I preach too much.....guess so.....I won't make any excuse for that.

The days ahead are going to be difficult, there is no way to avoid that. I don't look forward to a single minute without mom's presence here, or dealing with what is to come. BUT I know that He that started this good thing in me is perfecting me even now through the work He has put in my path. I accept the work, am willing to do it with all my strength and the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. I'll let Him worry about the details of my life.

There is no better place to be, than doing the perfect will of God. No greater peace than that given by Him.

Thanks for the call Aunt Ruby dad sure enjoys hearing from you. And Aunt JoAnn, it is always nice to hear your voice and know your thoughts are in our direction.

Oxygen Concentrator Alarms are LOUD at 6AM

Mom isn't very responsive today. This morning when I came down she wasn't drinking but I'm giving her drops with the sponge or the straw. She is swallowing. Her last morphine was at 8:30PM last night. She opened her eyes a little bit but isn't answering questions or nodding. I gave her some morphine before I rolled her per the nurse/doc and she is sleeping soundly now. Her face is peaceful, no stress there. I massaged her feet this morning and changed her socks.

Early this morning the oxygen concentrator alarm went off. The first time it was 6AM, I turned it off and then back on and all seemed fine. Then the second time it was about 7AM and I turned it off and then hooked up a regular tank. I called the oxygen tech at 9AM, he came and hooked up a new one and gave us a new portable tank.

Sam, Poppa & Tony went to the shooting range this afternoon. It was packed so they shot a little bit of skeet instead. Sam hit his first clay pigeon today, he was excited to share that news when he got home. After a bit of skeet they took a drive, one of dad's favorite things to do. Being the wonderful husband Tony is, he brought pizza home. Love this man!!

The girls left at 7AM this morning to give snowboarding another whirl, except this time on the big hill at Alyeska. Sarah just called to report no injuries, Praise God!! They were heading to Anchorage and then out to dinner before coming home. Sounds like it was a great time.

I'm off to serve pizza.

Come unto me, all you that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matt 11:28

Found the Moose photo & Redpolls

This mama and baby shot is the one that had me across the room. They were just a little too close for my taste! The kids loved it.

Emily Joy feeding the Redpolls, I like the one perched on her head


Emily & Samuel were so amazed that the birds would take seeds from their hands.

The Redpolls are back. While eating breakfast I watched the flock swarm the yard and bird feeder. They are such busy little birds. After Aunt Dot called this morning and said she was hand feeding a squirrel out her back door, I remembered the kids feeding the birds a few years ago, so thought I'd post these pics.


Mom is resting peacefully. Her respirations are lower now. She still raises her eyebrows and smiles at me and is always ready for a kiss. She enjoyed her foot massage this morning, a very gentle one with lots of lotion.


This morning mom had sunshine on her face and seemed to be enjoying it. Her room gets early morning sun and good afternoon light. The sky is crystal clear. I'm not hearing any drips, the temperature must have dropped again. The joys of break up...




Gently and tenderly Jesus is calling.....Come Home

Poppa in new territory

Dad called Tamie & Kevan last night to chat a bit. He got granddaughter Maggie's blog address so he could follow her progress playing professional basketball in Denmark. Dad sat down this morning and read all the pages of the blog, I showed him how to comment, so now Maggie can count on Grandpa checking in now and then.

Pat & Don (mom and dad's dear friends) called this afternoon and that left dad chipper. He enjoyed that chat very much! Thanks!

Mom is more awake today than she has been. We had a nice visit this morning before the first morphine was on board. I love it when she says my name and tells me she loves me. I think the oxygen is helping her feel a little more clear minded, although temporary.

Dad went outside and whacked the dickens out of the wood. He has 7 rounds left and figures he needs a chain saw for these last few. He expected last weeks wind to blow down a new tree so he'd have a new pile to work on. So far no new trees down, but there are a few leaning so there is still hope.

May we fix our eyes on the eternal Joy purchased for us on the cross of Jesus. No matter what difficulty today or tomorrow may bring, it is overshadowed by what awaits us in the redeemed heavens and earth.“The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that will be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18).

Good Night Dear Ones

Oxygen

The oxygen concentrator is going. The comfort care package was Fed Ex'd yesterday and we received it this afternoon. Changing pain meds to something more concentrated so mom doesn't have to swallow large doses.

The Hospice nurse came today.

I'm tired, having people in and out of the house every day is exhausting. I don't expect anyone for the weekend. Maybe I'll try to take a nap on Saturday.

Sam and Tony are testing for their purple belts in karate tonight. Sarah is at Community Choir practice. Emily Joy decided to stay home and bake cookies for Poppa.

I think I'd like to make a quilt out of mom's cotton robes & shirts. She has some pretty wild patterns that will make for a bright quilt. I was thinking about some of her clothes tonight while doing laundry and I thought it would be nice to have a cozy quilt to cuddle with. I was thinking dad might like one to snuggle under while he watches golf in his recliner.

I'm not a quilter, in fact have only done ONE huge project which sits unfinished. It is a grandmother's garden pattern that I started about 6 yrs ago while I waited for the kids to finish their choir practice. It is all hand pieced, hexagons sewn into a flower pattern. I'll post a photo. It should be hand quilted but I haven't been successful the few times I tried. I can't machine quilt it as it has to follow the pattern of each hexagon...ideally that is. We'll see. I thought I'd make the first quilt for my eldest and then work my way down, figuring I'd have more time for each one...but didn't figure it would take THIS long. I really should have done a wall hanging or smaller project for my first quilt.

The laundry calls. Night all.

No town today

I stayed home today to be with mom. Tony and Sarah did the Anchorage run.

The Hospice director Dr. Robert Neubaur called this afternoon and asked if he could come by for a visit. I said yes, of course then dashed off to make sure the house wasn't a wreck. He didn't tell me anything we didn't already know and he said we were doing everything right. I couldn't think of any questions to ask, I think I'm pretty full of info for now, or just too tired to think. He did say we should continue with the lactulose as she could tolerate to help bind and remove the ammonia in her system. It might help her communicate more clearly. Bob talked to dad a bit and was quite gentle with mom. He said mom's pulse was 88, reps 10, and her lungs clear.

Vicki our Hospice nurse comes tomorrow. I need to give mom a bath and get her ready for bed. She seems to be awake more in the evening so I will do it then.

I called funeral homes today for dad. I never in a million years thought I'd be doing this. I don't know why? Like none of my family members were going to age and die? Not sure what I was thinking...maybe that we'd all be raptured together so we wouldn't have to grieve the loss of one another. That sounds good!

I woke up singing this today...

DC Talk's

He Knows My Name

I have a maker

He formed my heart

Before even time began

My life was in his hands

He knows my name

He knows my every thought

He sees each tear that falls

And hears me when I call

I have a father

He calls me his own

He'll never leave me

No matter where I go

He knows my name

He knows my every thought

He sees each tear that falls

And hears me when I call

And He knows YOUR name

He knows your every thought

He sees all those tears that fall

And he'll hear you when you call

Good stuff and so true. I love Jesus and the tender way he loves me back. When Tony and Sarah got home this afternoon I was feeling kind of anxious. Tony hugged me and I laid my head on his chest. His arms around me give me such a sense of peace and safety. I imagine when I see Jesus that his arms around me will feel something like that, comforting and peaceful, like there is no better place to be. Looking forward to it, hope it is soon!

Hospice

Hospice came this morning. The social worker who does intake, Ellie, the RN, Vicki and the Chaplin, Ruthann. It was a full morning. Mom woke up and greeted the new folks and smiled. When Vicki left she even said she was glad to have met her. It took her a bit to get that whole sentence out but she was very sweet and smiled. I think we'll like this new gal.

Vicki did say it could be any day now, but since everyone's experience is different she couldn't be sure. She did say we were doing a very good job, which is reassuring. She'll be back on Thursday.

It is awkward being so personal with strangers. Such a difficult time, and to open up emotionally is tough, although I'm such a faucet it really isn't hard for me. I just get tired of crying, so by the time I've heard, "so how are you doing?" it almost feels patronizing. I KNOW they don't mean it that way, but come on, what do they think. They talked to dad a bit and asked me how he was doing as well.

Vicki was saying as things progress we will probably not be getting as much sleep as we are now, so to be sure we rest when we are able. I guess I'm still holding out for the falling asleep crossover for mom. I don't anticipate an epiphany during her last moments. I'll be thrilled if she does have a moment of clarity, but I'm not holding out for it. I feel very peaceful about what is next, that doesn't mean my heart isn't aching, but I'm not afraid and think if I were not in the room, it would be okay. I'm not opposed to being in the room, but I won't be flogging myself if I miss it.

She was just moaning a bit so I got closer and asked if she needed anything, she was making some noise and she said "I didn't think I was making any noise." She smiles a lot, raises her eyebrows in typical Joy fashion. I remember as a youngster sitting at the dining room table trying to get one eyebrow to arch up dramatically like mom can. I remember Melissa and I having a contest to see if we could do it.

I wonder if they have backgammon in Heaven. I've probably said this before, but we have an 8yr tournie going....I'm winning, but she's close on my heels! And of course in the early days she was always ahead, but we managed to get it close to even before their winter visits were over. I took her board to the rehab unit in Nampa after her surgery. I had to move for her, but she rolled her own dice and approved or disapproved where I moved her pips.

Good memories.

Poppa let me know that he is out of cookies. I baked soft ginger cookies for mom and had a bunch in the freezer. I guess I'm going to have to get back in the kitchen and get another batch made.

Windy and rainy in South Central Alaska....I think it is in the high 30's this evening. It looks like break-up weather, but I think it is just the annual tease we get this time of year. I try not to get too excited.

Good-Bye Sharon

The home health nurse came for the last time today. I'm going to miss her and hope that the Hospice nurses are as wonderful as she has been.

Hospice comes at 10AM and the gal said they would be here about 2 hours. One hour for the intake and one hour for the nurse.

Mom was more awake tonight than she has been in awhile. I asked her if I could wash her hair and she agreed. Late last week she said that I couldn't, so I was pleased that tonight she agreed. I washed and did a little blow dry and then popped her hat back on. She's sporting her red raspberry fuzzy hat with a rolled brim, she looks very cozy.

Dad is sitting in the recliner next to her bed watching a PBS show about American Indians.

I'm headed to bed so I can get up early and get the kiddlets on task before Hospice arrives.

~He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces~